Don’t Go in Alone
Why is asking for help so scary?
No, this is not a script for a new summer horror flick. This is scarier!
This is about making a case for the simple yet often terrifying act - asking for help.
Isn’t it amazing how asking for help strikes mortal fear in even the most enlightened leader? Yet people on the receiving end usually like being asked and see your willingness to ask as a strength.
No one I know has ever actually been fired for asking for help. No one I know has ever lost a friend because you needed a hand (jokes about friends with trucks on moving day aside). When you ask people what qualities their best leader had, vulnerability, willingness to take risks, and humility are almost always in the top ten.
When someone catches us helping others, we get patted on the back and are given “outstanding team member” ratings and awards. At work, we place a significant premium on collaboration and teamwork. And yet…
We freeze up and avoid asking someone to help us - no matter how much we need it.
There is some neuroscience behind this. The fear of asking for help can activate similar neural pathways as physical pain, keeping us from asking for help even if it could help us avoid actual pain. Overtime, neurotransmitters like cortisol (the stress hormone) and dopamine (involved in reward and motivation) hard-wire our brains to anticipate a threat response when what we might get is a strong reward response. (Remember that frustrating maxim of human wiring: threats are stronger than rewards)
Equating asking for help with a threat tends to take three different forms:
Fear of social judgment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of appearing incompetent.
A leader should know this already.
Cultural norms and societal expectations play a significant role in shaping our beliefs about asking for help. In our society, leaders are expected to be strong, decisive, and capable. Asking for help can be perceived as a sign of weakness or incompetence, contradicting these expectations.
Many leaders have a strong sense of self-reliance and believe they should be able to handle challenges independently. Admitting they need help can feel like a personal failure.
It’s closely related to the imposter syndrome. The narrative goes something like this: "If I ask for help, they’ll know I don’t really know what I’m doing and shouldn’t be here.”
My response to this one: That call is coming from inside the house. (In this case, it’s a big glass house; I’m a charter member of Imposters Anonymous). To the people outside our heads, vulnerability makes people more likely to want to work with us, not less.
If I bother them, they won’t want me anymore.
The weight of responsibility that leaders carry can lead them to believe that they must shoulder every burden alone.
A former coaching client came to me as a newly appointed senior leader at a small company. Rick actually worked there longer than any of the others, but he was mostly just an individual contributor running the HR functions. During a significant restructuring, the new CEO saw something in Rick and promoted him to a director level position overseeing most of the operation functions, besides HR. The biggest challenge Rick is having in his new role is taking the time to ask for help from his boss - the person who had so much faith in him that she gave him the new position in the first place.
Rick’s argument goes something like this, ‘My boss wants me to fully take over and run these functions - to make good decisions and just make sure things get done. She’s giving me this task because she's so busy. I need to just deliver perfect results without bothering her with challenges.”
Funny thing, though. What I hear from his boss is that “when Rick gets stuck, he just sort of flounders and doesn’t loop me in until it’s too late.”
This is the most common situation I hear from and about new leaders. With the new title, someone asking for help turns into, “I’m being a burden.”
Everyone—Rick, his boss, his peers, and his team—knows that this role is more responsibility than he’s had in the past. They know there is a learning curve, but they are all invested in him learning to lead those functions.
What they are confused about is why Rick seems to be trying to go it alone.
“Rick,” by the way, is an amalgam of every leader I’ve coached in the past eight years - even the designated CEOs!
I’ll look weak.
Admitting we don't have an answer or need help can trigger feelings of inadequacy or fear of being perceived as incompetent. Negative self-beliefs such as "I should be able to handle this on my own," originate in the same parts of the brain we use for decision-making and emotional self-regulation.
The rise of “bro culture” aside, there's growing evidence that exhibiting vulnerability—like asking for help—makes people trust and respect you more. It is actually beneficial for workplace dynamics. It encourages engagement, authenticity, and diversity of thinking. In other words, it builds trust. Employees are more likely to trust leaders who are authentic and open about their challenges.
Leaders (all leaders, not just new ones like Rick) may worry that asking for help will lead others to question their judgment or abilities, diminishing their credibility. It does the opposite.
Sidenote: Far from glossing over this topic, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering about this particular facet of the disruptive times we live in. How do I balance a lifetime promoting the values of fairness, curiosity, and (can I even use this work anymore?) inclusion, with the ascendance of “get out of my way while I grab whatever I want” as a way of life? To me, that’s at the heart of what feels so off right now. I’m still pondering the most effective way to push back. Besides, even Bros ask for advice occasionally.
Okay, so how do I ask for help?
Anyway you look at it, all of these reasons for not asking for help exist entirely in your head. Often, it’s not even a conscious thought, but an automatic threat response. That doesn’t make the feelings any less real or any easier to overcome.
Here are four tools to make asking for help feel less intimidating:
Embrace the discomfort. That scratchy feeling may mean you’re doing something right! Or if not, learning a valuable lesson. Rest in the knowledge that you're learning something and setting a good example as that icky feeling subsides. Your fears of looking weak, being a burden, or not living up to others' expectations are real. Practice being okay with that and asking for help anyway. Better yet, tell the person you are seeking help from that you are nervous about it. Bam! You just demonstrated vulnerability, getting help, and building trust at the same time.
Call it something else. Turn “I need help” into “How would you handle this?” If that does not work, try "Show me what I’m missing." When you find yourself procrastinating, ask someone, "Can you give me a jumpstart?" If you need to strengthen your solution, try "How would you make this better?"
Make asking for help a planned, frequent task. Set a goal of regularly asking for help, input, or feedback from a cross section of people in your span of influence. Think of one thing a week you can ask for help or input on and schedule it like any other task. Make it simple - maybe something that helps the person you ask stretch their capabilities. It’s like running drills. Then, when something truly big and emotionally charged comes up, you’ll have developed the skills and credibility to work through the equally heightened anxiety.
Ask a person, in person. This is a big one as we grapple with hybrid work and the incorporation of AI into our lives. Our brains prefer to learn in person, and from other people. A recent study at Mt. Sinai showed that brain chemicals involved in feeling good about a behavior were higher when people interacted in person than those interacting on or with a computer. Make time and space to close your laptop, silence your phone, and have a conversation in the old-fashioned way. Your brain prefers it; and, the more you do this in-person, the better the conversations that must be virtual will be.
Leadership is knowing when to ask for help and, more importantly, being willing to ask. It shows self-awareness and a willingness to leverage the strengths of others. It fosters collaboration and builds stronger teams. Most importantly, it builds trust for the times when you need to provide feedback to others on your team - a whole other scratchy, scary realm of leadership,
"I need help," does not equal "I'm not capable." Be brave. Take a step. Ride through the scary and just ask for help anyway.
You are stronger if you don’t go in alone. But you need to ask for someone to go with you.
